WAR ON POVERTY OVER! U.S. SURRENDERS!
by Marc Belisle
A half-century conflict came to an anticlimactic end on Tuesday, as the United States Senate agreed to discontinue unemployment insurance for 1.3 million Americans, effectively ending hostilities. Faced with the overwhelming force of Poverty and the rapid collapse of America’s political elite’s will to fight, the US Senate avoided debate on the merits of continuing the war, and simply concluded that it was too complicated procedurally.
Poverty’s dominion was already spreading quickly, with 70,000 per week surrendering to its forces. Poverty issued a statement saying that it would occupy every state, city, town and county across the United States. “In the last few years, nearly a third of Americans have already been pacified,” Poverty declared, “and you can’t hear them complain.” Poverty stated that although major changes are coming, Congress will continue to serve a symbolic role. The occupying force sought to assuage fears by saying that America’s corporate overlords will continue to enjoy their privileged position in society, and indeed, will take over even more of the day-to-day governance of the nation.
Soon thereafter, a collection of big business board chairmen took to the airwaves to reassure the American people that corporate rule, overseen by Poverty, would be benevolent. Most Americans had never seen them or heard their voices, and many didn’t even know their names. For such a fiercely independent people, it was a jarring experience. One woman who had been routed in the Battle of Finding-a-Job months earlier, and was unable to pay her electric bill, reacted to the ceasefire joyfully: “When you go from $340 a week to zero a week you eat a lot of peanut butter.”
The board chairmen urged Americans to accept reality. “Poverty deployed two incredibly devastating weapons against this nation in 2008: the subprime mortgage crisis and the big bank bailouts. Since then, Poverty has crushed virtually all of our defenses. Congress cannot pass a single jobs bill. It has retreated from food stamps, veterans’ benefits and welfare. Our mental healthcare has been gutted. Hundreds of thousands of Americans have been unemployed for months or years. The longer they are unemployed, the more likely it is their applications will be dismissed out of hand, regardless of their qualifications. Many are now either overqualified or underqualified for every position they apply for. With the number of long term unemployed growing faster than the number of job openings, it is mathematically impossible for most of them to find a new job.
“This ceasefire, ending unemployment insurance, guarantees that millions of Americans will have less money to spend. The surrender will ripple into the small businesses, like local groceries, that they depend on. More businesses will lay off more workers, who will be unable to defend themselves from Poverty. Simple, unavoidable arithmetic dictates that Poverty will sweep across the nation. What fool would fight against basic math? For the good of the nation, we must lay down our arms and remove these unemployed people from the economy entirely. We must let them, and their children, fend for themselves. We must submit to the inexorable conquest of Poverty.”
But the chairmen also struck an optimistic note. “We must not see this as a defeat, but as an investment in the future. We can hammer our ploughshares into swords. The money we waste on the poor and middle class would be much better spent on oil, finance and weapons subsidies. And imagine the boon for the private prison industry! With so many people pacified by Poverty, they’ll have no choice but to turn to petty theft, shoplifting, armed robbery and credit card fraud – just to survive. Crime will skyrocket for the first time in decades. We can finally give these Americans great jobs, working on chain gangs, plantations, textile mills, owned and run by private prison corporations. And we can pay them almost nothing. Crime will become pervasive and systemic. Weapons industries will be able to sell law enforcement even more cutting edge tactical gear. More states will hand over their prisons to private contractors, who will charge taxpayers more, incarcerate more Americans for crimes of desperation, while hording greater profits each year. Millions of children will grow up knowing nothing but Poverty, desperation and crime. This is the best possible outcome for our children, who are our future. The money we waste every year on education would be better spent by ensuring they have a cot in an 8 by 5 cell awaiting them upon their first mistake in life at a very young age.”
The chairmen noted that surrendering would lead to a brighter future. “By surrendering to Poverty, we ensure a lasting peace. When all of the nation’s wealth accrues to the very top, where it belongs, we corporate overlords will reinvest it in pacifist candidates, who will never again up take arms against Poverty. We will ensure that your rump Congress never again hurtles this nation haplessly into an ill-conceived conflict against Poverty.”
The collective of business leaders established their legitimacy, saying, “With the war finally over, most wealth will return from its misguided investments in Main Street to Wall Street, where it belongs. Remember that, as the tiny group of controllers of more and more of the nation’s wealth, we are inherently, genetically superior to you. Questioning our decisions and our leadership would be as foolish and pointless as fighting against Poverty.”
They noted that there might be some pockets of resistance scattered around the country. “We strongly condemn anyone attempting to continue the fight, or hiding out in suburbs in a futile effort to maintain a middle class lifestyle. The worst possible thing you worthless, lazy urchins could do would be to rise up in your millions and, by word or action, demand truly representative governance that supports the Pursuit of Happiness. The war is over. Accept defeat. Poverty is your future, and there’s no point in fighting it.”
Photo Credit US News
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