NJ Governor’s Office Seeking “Go-Getter” for Deputy Chief Of Staff – Immediate Opening
by Marc Belisle
The Chris Christie Administration needs a Deputy Chief of Staff in its main Trenton office, pronto. We are looking for a real “go-getter” who is a loyal team player but also willing to work completely independently for no apparent reason.
Competitive candidates will have a degree in uncivil/social engineering. The ideal candidate should be able to demonstrate an excellent academic track record of shouting down teachers.
Did you play Sim City as a kid? Building that crap was so boring but summoning monsters to burn it to the ground was great, right? Look at those little people flee! You might be a great fit for the Christie Administration. We’re looking for someone who knows how to “study” ‘challenges’ facing the Governor’s office and “solve” them overwhelmingly. We’re planning to branch out beyond “studying” bridge ‘traffic problems.’ You’ll find appropriate ‘targets’ for new “studies” and plan and execute them. You might “study” how cold it can get in Camden when the public utility company is closed, or how many jobs are lost when the state tourism board in Atlantic City shuts down, or the bacterial content of the raw sewage in the streets when the municipal waste treatment plant goes kaput in Newark. No “study” is too big, the Federal Hurricane Sandy Relief Fund’s the limit! Candidates must be willing to work closely with the Governor’s high school buddies, Joey the Nose and Vinnie Two Times. They’re duly appointed public officials, capice? The successful candidate must have demonstrated experience stranding the elderly and laughing at children.
Qualified candidates will have expertise with office supplies including a shredder. You should be focused on details like deleting every text message and email. You must be able to manage a complex ‘shit list’ database. You’ll need good media relations skills like keeping that arrogant local Channel 8 reporter on hold for five hours when he calls asking why the whole Fire Department was fired in Jersey City and what, if anything, it has to do with his Democratic State Rep’s recent vote on teacher pay cuts. That stupid little jerk! You should be comfortable taking orders in the form of winks or nods followed by “know what I mean?” You must be able to multitask executing projects while simultaneously forgetting them completely. Traumatic brain injury is a huge plus.
We are a well-oiled machine and a tight-knit group; we think and act in concert like a flock of birds. We also never speak to each other, and we’ve never seen each other. I don’t even know who these people are or how I got here. The Governor is very hands-on, and works closely with each staffer. Yet, we love to joke around and pull wacky surprises, especially on the boss. He never has any idea what we’ve been up to.
If you’ve read this far, and this sounds like you, and you ain’t the Feds, submit a resume, a cover letter detailing your interest in playing God with the people of New Jersey, a portfolio of legal and ethical complaints lodged against you, and two letters of reference, preferably from a teacher who fears you or a prison warden who learned to grudgingly respect you. Enclose the documents in an envelope marked “To New Jersey Port Authority Assistant Deputy Director” and drop it in the rusted barrel under the Southwest pillar of the George Washington Bridge.
** This is satire. Duh. **
Photo via Open Road Media
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