GOP Proposes Minus $10.10 Minimum Wage in Response to Obama SOTU
by Marc Belisle
Three days after President Obama proposed in the State of the Union address to raise the federal minimum wage to $10.10, raising millions of hardworking Americans out of poverty, Congressional Republicans hit the talk shows to call for a minimum wage of minus $10.10.
“Paying, I mean, earning, negative ten dollars and ten cents is a good way for America’s job receivers to show gratitude for their patriotic employers who deign to hire them,” Rep. Michelle Bachmann told Bill O’Reilly on the O’Reilly Hector. “We really hope the president will be willing to meet us halfway.”
“Labor is only a theory,” 2016 Republican presidential frontrunner and ophthalmology role-playing enthusiast Sen. Rand Paul told David Gregory on Beat the Press. “But Americans have the Right to Work at competitive wages, and we have the right to teach Job Creationism in economics classes and to chisel its commandments in front of courthouses.”
Sen. Ted Cruz explained to George Snuffleupagus that it had taken the GOP a couple of days to respond to the President’s proposal because they had been awaiting instructions from Koch Industries, which had only arrived late Thursday night. Snuffleupagus nodded in understanding and asked Cruz, “But isn’t minus $10.10 a little low?”
Senator Cruz thumbed through a copy of Dr. Seuss’s The Lorax and quoted, “BUT … business is business! And business must grow, regardless of crummies in tummies, you know.”
“True,” Snuffleupagus replied.
A local New York 1 reporter was granted 30 seconds with Rep. Michael Grimm. Grimm became enraged when the plucky young reporter asked Grimm if it was a coincidence that he was supporting the minimum wage position of secretive business owners who allegedly illegally bankrolled his campaign.
“I don’t have time to answer that,” Grimm responded, grimly. “If you ever ask me that again, I’ll light your hair on fire. I’ll saw you in half. Like a puppy.”
**Editors Note: Yes, this is satire, even if it’s too close for comfort**
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