xmasquagmire

BREAKING: US Navy Strikes North Pole, Obama Declares ‘War on Christmas’, Claus’ Fate Unknown

Published On December 10, 2013 | By Marc Belisle |
 By Marc Belisle

In a tense press conference with the conservative media, President Obama announced late Tuesday that US Navy destroyers deployed in the Arctic Circle were firing Tomahawk cruise missiles in a campaign to free the elves and eliminate Santa Claus’s ability to threaten secular humanists.  Obama added that US forces would “cripple Santa Claus’ ability to spread good tidings” through “targeted strikes.”  When asked what, exactly, the Pentagon was targeting, Obama replied, “Well, you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.”

Obama_Congress_image_982wPressed on whether the US would be targeting Santa Claus specifically, the President, standing in front of four ten-foot pine trees garlanded with tinsel and baubles, chose his words carefully.  “Uh, look.  My Administration is not in the business of regime change.  But, know this.  By the time we’re done, Santa Claus will be wishing us Happy Holidays.  His reign of cheer is at an end.”

A Barbie doll then stood up, identified herself as a Fox News reporter and said, “President HUSSEIN Obama, Fox News has been predicting this war for years.  We have a map on our site of all the attacks against Christmas within the United States, waged in this year alone.  The casualties in the War on Christmas are much higher than you are admitting.  Aren’t you ashamed that you’re encouraging a dangerous fifth column seeking to destroy AmeriChristmas?”

The president dinged a bell, “One seems to hear, words of rightwing fear, from everywhere, filling the air.”  He sighed, “We had to deny the military buildup against Christmas, because we needed to maintain the element of surprise.  The time was ripe to strike, because Christmas has been threatening its weaker neighbors for years, and this year, it threatened to invade Thanksgiving.”

“Doesn’t Christmas have a right to take over Thanksgiving?” the Newsdoll asked.  “To defend itself?”

“Christmas already controls the entire month of December.  It already has commercialized everything in its reach.  It’s extremely well-defended, and aggressively extending its dominion.  Just ask anyone in your community who happens to be Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Wiccan, atheist, agnostic, spiritualist, or just not particularly devoutly Christian how dominant Christmas is.”

“I’ve never spoken to anyone like that,” the Newsdoll said proudly.

Bill O’Reilly and Sarah Palin stood up and started shouting over each other.  Bill O’Reilly said that while he likes Macy’s because it’s commercial, it’s not Christmas-y enough.

Sarah Palin said, “I love the commercialization of Christmas because it spreads the Christmas cheers, the most jolly holiday obviously on our calendar.  It’s wonderful!”

Palin then told everyone to buy her book about “protecting the heart of Christmas,” which one reviewer said “is so bad that it seems entirely possible that she actually wrote it herself.”

War_20on_20Christmas_20IIA reporter for the American Family Association raised his hand and said, “That’s blasphemy, Mr. President!  The commercialization of Christmas is a blessed sacrament of the Christmerican Constitution!  On our site, we have a list of businesses that celebrate Christmas exceptionally, such as Walmart and Hobby Lobby, so the faithful know at which underpaying, profit-hording Christian corporation to spend their meager wages at this year.”

The President asked, “How can a corporation be Christian?”

“Oh we can, believe me!” squeaked a tiny voice.  Everyone in the room looked around searching for the source of the voice.  “Down here!”

A reporter lifted up a barely visible speck and held it up for everyone to see.

President Obama asked, “Uh, who or what, exactly, are you?”

“I’m a fetal corporate person!  Duh!  Several states are adding Amendments to their Constitutions, saying that a fetus is a person, thus making abortion and even contraception murder.  The Supreme Court is soon going to hear argument from Hobby Lobby that since a corporation has a right to free speech in the form of money, it also has a right to express its religious preferences in the form of denying health insurance for reproductive care to its employees.  I am the living embodiment of both.”

The fetal corporate person continued, squeaking, “Several libertarian billionaires will incorporate me in a little under 9 months, so even though I haven’t been ‘born’ yet, I already have the same civil rights as all of you, and since I’m a corporation, I have none of the laws regulating my behavior that a merely human person has.  Pretty soon there will be thousands of us, and we’re going to start our own Christian religion that says that paying your employees is a grave sin.  We’ll sue to overturn every labor law and every piece of the social safety net in the country for Christmas.  Because that’s what Jesus would do!”

The conservative ‘journalists’ in the room all jumped up and down, clapping, and shouting, “Hooray!  Hooray for Corporate Christmas Freedom!”

The Fox Newsdoll asked another pointed question, “Why the unilateral strike against Christmas, Mr. President?”

“Actually, we have been in close contact with our allies, and we are building an international coalition for the War on Christmas.  The Pope is with us on this one,” the President said to gasps from the audience.

jon-stewart-tackles-the-war-on-christmasSaying it was time for a little “Pope and Change,” Obama then quoted the Pope, who blasted “the idolatry of money” and argued that “As long as the problems of the poor are not radically resolved by rejecting the absolute autonomy of markets and financial speculation and by attacking the structural causes of inequality, no solution will be found for the world’s problems or, for that matter, to any problems.”

The Fox Newsdoll said, “Pope Francis is the Catholic Church’s Obama – God help us.”

Palin said of the Pope, “he’s had some statements that to me sounded kind of liberal, has taken me aback, has kind of surprised me.”

Rush Limbaugh stood up, sloooowly, and said “This is just pure Marxism coming out of the mouth of the pope.”

Limbaugh then waddled out of the White House through the North Lawn and burst through the iron security fence like the Kool-Aid Man.  There he addressed a group of Tea Party protesters, funded by various Koch Industries Super PACs.  They were protesting Obama’s War on Christmas and, using a dog whistle, singing Christmas carols such as, “I’m dreaming, of a whiiiite President, just like the ones I used to know.”

Limbaugh took out his dog whistle, tuned it, and patiently whistled to the rabble of dittoheads, “Here’s the deal.  The Reagan coalition used poor white Christians to vote for rich, white libertarians.  We scared up their votes using phony culture war outrage so that we could get rich capitalists into office to shred the New Deal and suck all the wealth up to the top.  Then we wanted government welfare for the richest and their largest corporations, paid for by the poor and middle class.  It took 30 years, but we’ve finally done it, and we’re not about to turn back now.  This Pope is a serious threat to the American right, because the Church naturally splits the uprights between America’s social conservatives and economic liberals.  For decades, the Catholic Church has been focusing on social conservatism.  If this Pope switches to focusing on economic liberalism, as Jesus did, and if this becomes a new norm for the Church, it could eventually siphon off our voters.  Even a small percentage of Christian voters flipped from the baloney culture war to the very real class war could devastate the GOP.  And if this Catholic ethos were to seep into American evangelical churches, the Republican Party would go the way of the Whig Party.  That is why we are desperately smearing him.”

The Tea Partiers clutched crosses and guns to their chests and nodded solemnly as their patriotic Confederate flags flapped in the nippy December breeze.

Limbaugh continued, “So when liberals say that Jesus would not have refused to pass any jobs bills for years, would not have cut unemployment and cut food stamps for Christmas, this is what we need to tell them.  When Jesus was born, no one would let Mary and Joseph stay with them.  Because the Republican House has ‘done its work’ by being the least productive in history, millions of Americans have no job, nothing to eat, and nowhere to sleep, just like Jesus did on Christmas!  Why, that is the very spirit of Christmas.  It’s Christmas every day for millions of Americans!”

The Tea Partiers cheered, “Christmas every day!  Riches for the rich!  Poverty for the poor!  Freedom for the corporate persons!”

Limbaugh continued, “That’s right.  And when this Marxist Pope suggests that the meaning of Christmas is not a month-long advertising onslaught to cram consumer goods down the population’s throat; when he suggests the meaning of Christmas is to be tangibly generous to your fellow human beings, what do we say?”

“Crucify him!  Crucify him!  Commercialize it!”

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Photo Credit Google Images; Democratic Underground

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Marc Belisle

Marc Belisle is the editor of The Deckle Edge.He writes a political blog.He taught university English in South Korea from 2005-2009.He has a Masters in International Conflict Analysis from the University of Kent’s Brussels School of International Studies

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  • rasslor56

    HILARIOUS

  • https://www.facebook.com/mother.should.i Mother, should I trust the gov

    Funny. Considering yesterday Canada claimed the North Pole, and all it’s resources, as their own, I’d say it’s right on time, and (oil) business as usual.

    • Art Garcia

      So Did Russia and they have the largest amount of oil in the world.

  • Sean Hannity

    The people who wrote and published this blasphemy should be shot for not respecting the birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ (the Wwhite one), Son of the only real God! My all you cocksucking faggots rot in Hell for Eternity!

    • Danny Mathey

      WOW, that was spoken like a true Christain

      • Craig Freger

        I think your sarcasm meter is broken.

        • Danny Mathey

          Perhaps! it is….That sometime happens when you turn 60!…

      • Art Garcia

        Could be an impostor. There are always people working for the other side.

    • tcliff1

      Hahaha…good one Sean

    • Katelyn Ehrlick Rhodes

      You should be shot for being ignorant. There is no Jesus, there is no god.. Stop being stupid. Let me guess, you also believe the earth is 2,013 years old huh?

      • Ann-Marie Nepper Meyers

        Katelyn, are atheists and agnostics the only people who have a right to their beliefs? I am a Christian, who believes the earth is as old as you do, and that the universe is billions of years old, a bi-product of something else that we cannot even conceive of, but at the very core of it, there IS a God. You are welcome to believe or not believe in what you choose. I choose a God who made an orderly universe that none of us can yet comprehend, that Jesus is MY way, although so many so-called Christians have lost that way and we will all find out the truth someday, so there is no point in hating each other now, because right now we are all stuck in the same mess. Let’s just help each other, and make our time together as bearable as possible.
        I will never waste my time, nor yours trying to convert you to something you do not want. I will spread the Good News to those who are lost and seeking. You do what you do.

        • Art Garcia

          Good post Ann-Marie

    • Renee Scully

      Oh WOW

    • art_tolentino

      Sean, when Jesus comes back, you won’t even recognize him. You’ll think he’s too liberal to be Jesus. Great story.

    • Angel Rivera

      The lord God created the duck-billed platypus. He will appreciate the humor…

    • Anthony Carrizales

      So you justify the murdering of people just because they don’t believe the phony “war on Christmas” created by extreme far right media to boost ratings? Wow, how can you say such terrible things

      • Sean Hannity

        Heil Santa Claus motherfucker!

        • painkills2

          Now, Mr. Hannity, you know you’re just mad at Santa because he stopped visiting you when you were 3 years old.

          • Anthony Carrizales

            LOL

          • painkills2

            “Sean Hannity” hasn’t posted in over a month, so perhaps he’s gone. (fingers crossed) :D

          • Anthony Carrizales

            Well don’t jinx it then or he might come back ;)

          • painkills2

            For a troll, Mr. Hannity was a rather violent one. Threatened to kill me a couple of times. So, I guess, all-in-all, it’s good he’s gone.

            For the short time I’ve been troll-hunting, he is the only one who hasn’t come back (at least under this avatar). Unfortunately, it feels like a hollow victory, since it’s like playing whack-a-mole.

            Tried shaming an avatar with a Joker’s face painted over President Obama’s. No such luck. In fact, a few Libertarian avatars came to his rescue. Makes me sad, but…

            For an insomniac, such can be considered entertainment, at times. And now you know more about me than you wanted to… :)

          • Anthony Carrizales

            Maybe you should have a posse of fellow liberals that you can message to back you up when you up when you need it. I mean nothing’s worse than being gagged up on the internet by a bunch of teabaggers, you know kind of like a internet gang. =]

          • Anthony Carrizales

            And also if you click on “Mr. Hannity’s” profile you will also see he is EXTREMELY racist, I mean wow!, I haven’t seen someone that racist in a while, but i guess there is lots of those guys out on the internet right? ;)

          • painkills2

            Yeah, our Mr. Hannity is quite the catch, huh? And if you ever happen upon certain websites, you would see that there are an awful lot of commenters similar to Mr. Hannity. I only go on these sites if I have to (a troll-hunter’s work is never done) — and I’m always shocked by the tone of the comments.

            And then I think, maybe some of these avatars are actually people I know, but don’t really “know.” Tell you what, hunting for trolls is a dirty business — I think they are infected me in some way. :D

            But what bothers me the most is that these kinds of websites have thousands of commenters. Sure, some of them are probably the same people, but jesus, there are a bunch of really scary people out there (you know, in the real world).

            Peace out dude.

          • painkills2

            Sometimes I can get other avatars to help me, but usually it’s just me. That’s okay — I can take care of myself (at least on the internet, and so far).

            Although, in the last couple of days, I’ve had someone edit my disqus posts. I’m not sure how they did that. I changed them back, but I’m not anal enough to go through all my old ones to see if further changes were made.

          • Anthony Carrizales

            Peace

          • painkills2

            Okay, all I see is a long, black box. I’m going to ponder this image for awhile, and try to figure out what it means…
            Peace. :)

          • Anthony Carrizales

            Crap… its supposed to be to peace signs but my browser wouldn’t load the images so it came out as a long black, box

          • painkills2

            Well, I’ve been pondering said black box… and I think you really meant that, if we all get sucked into a black hole, we should be at peace.

            Alternatively, you could have just meant this:

      • Art Garcia

        Anthony: It is just Sean.

        • Anthony Carrizales

          I guess so

      • garb67

        You do understand the term “tongue in cheek”, right?

    • painkills2

      Do you work for iCensor? It’s an interesting product for a start-up company, paying people to spread hate and religious intolerance through online comment sections. I’m just wondering if you are j-e.r.king off while doing it? You could make videos of that, and then post them behind a pay wall. You know, make some money for that psychiatric care that you’ll now be eligible for through Obamacare.

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  • Adalberto Cervantes Rodriguez

    Illegal businesses working in healthcare helped by indians http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qT2fqqHKlhQ Indians kill if you discovered their fake documents, you do not have to hire them initially http://lnkd.in/bq6sxaw Lazies are genious in businesses, IT indian fraud behind them http://lnkd.in/bccBJbJ Creating jobs for people with criminal records http://www.forbes.com/sites/sarahmckinney/2013/12/12/how-e-waste-is-creating-jobs-for-people-with-criminal-records-in-los-angeles/ Secret Socities working in government and Corporated paid well themselves http://www.eluniversaledomex.mx/home/funcionarios-del-dif-naucalpan-tendran-500-mil-pesos-de-aguinaldo.html The Secret Socities and mafias working for the NSA and the CIA http://www.proceso.com.mx/?p=360310

  • Terry Miller

    Santa Claus is a socialist..leading our children to depend on His socialist agenda’s…

  • Pete Siller Garcia

    God. Here’s one of many signs God is giving us to let us know the end is near.
    of course the devil is going to corrupt the world and make us delusional on what reality truly is. Still praying for the non believers. I don’t want you to feel nothing when you meet God and He says you have to go to Hell. :( LORD LET US SEE AND REALIZE WHAT YOU WANT US ALL TO KNOW.

    • Bright eyes

      Just prove there is a god……Can you?

      • Backgammon

        Get cancer then tell me there isn’t a God! You will find him pretty quick Bright eyes.

        • Bright eyes

          I had Cancer, it proves nothing. You don’t find God in a Book. You know nothing about my life. This did not answer my question!

          • Charles Hodge

            Look around. nothing is built from nothing. There has to be a Creator. if the universe was billions of years old the moons around Jupiter would be frozen solid. but they are not. they have hot running lava under it’s crust. wich means the moons are less than 10.000 years old. God had said Man has seed. Man didn’t believe until the microscope was invented. God said the stars was uncountable, Man laughed because they was able to count the stars back then.until the telescope was invented. God talked about fresh water lakes in the seas and all rivers lead to the sea. 25 yrs ago Man discovered fresh water lakes under the sea. 1000 years ago they realized all rivers lakes streams was carried out to the sea. God tells us of the future of our world. and yes it is all coming true..A fool says in his Heart there is no God. ask Christ in all your Heart for proof. He will show you proof and knowledge. follow no organization only what the bible says.. KJV. trust no Man. look to the heavens for signs and wonders. aliens are fallen angles. do not be deceived. now it’s up to you. ask Christ into your Heart and show you the way. and then through him will you find your proof. GOD bless. through Christ all things are possible.

          • Attican Beta

            Mr. Hodge, what you’ve just said… is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul…

      • garb67

        “Prove” there isn’t. It’s called faith.

      • Charles Hodge
    • http://voice4america.com/author/markbear#axzz2UlmFeFy1 Dr. Mark Bear

      Pete Siller Garcia:

      Why do you folks insist on “Selling and Telling,” versus “Sharing and Caring?”

      • Ann-Marie Nepper Meyers

        Because with “Selling and Telling,” you do not have to get personally involved. Their lily white hands remain unsoiled. Their souls are another matter, but since their souls don’t show in their mirrors, who cares?

  • Jason Haze

    Buffoon O’Reilly’s warm’ Bologna sandwich recipe, One slice JAX Bologna, place firmly between two pieces of dry white toast, enjoy.

  • Angel Rivera

    Good! but tomahawks are expensive. Why not let the Navy SEALS go in and quietly take out Claus with a well placed bullet from a sniper rifle?

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