BREAKING: US Navy Strikes North Pole, Obama Declares ‘War on Christmas’, Claus’ Fate Unknown
By Marc Belisle
In a tense press conference with the conservative media, President Obama announced late Tuesday that US Navy destroyers deployed in the Arctic Circle were firing Tomahawk cruise missiles in a campaign to free the elves and eliminate Santa Claus’s ability to threaten secular humanists. Obama added that US forces would “cripple Santa Claus’ ability to spread good tidings” through “targeted strikes.” When asked what, exactly, the Pentagon was targeting, Obama replied, “Well, you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.”
Pressed on whether the US would be targeting Santa Claus specifically, the President, standing in front of four ten-foot pine trees garlanded with tinsel and baubles, chose his words carefully. “Uh, look. My Administration is not in the business of regime change. But, know this. By the time we’re done, Santa Claus will be wishing us Happy Holidays. His reign of cheer is at an end.”
A Barbie doll then stood up, identified herself as a Fox News reporter and said, “President HUSSEIN Obama, Fox News has been predicting this war for years. We have a map on our site of all the attacks against Christmas within the United States, waged in this year alone. The casualties in the War on Christmas are much higher than you are admitting. Aren’t you ashamed that you’re encouraging a dangerous fifth column seeking to destroy AmeriChristmas?”
The president dinged a bell, “One seems to hear, words of rightwing fear, from everywhere, filling the air.” He sighed, “We had to deny the military buildup against Christmas, because we needed to maintain the element of surprise. The time was ripe to strike, because Christmas has been threatening its weaker neighbors for years, and this year, it threatened to invade Thanksgiving.”
“Doesn’t Christmas have a right to take over Thanksgiving?” the Newsdoll asked. “To defend itself?”
“Christmas already controls the entire month of December. It already has commercialized everything in its reach. It’s extremely well-defended, and aggressively extending its dominion. Just ask anyone in your community who happens to be Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Wiccan, atheist, agnostic, spiritualist, or just not particularly devoutly Christian how dominant Christmas is.”
“I’ve never spoken to anyone like that,” the Newsdoll said proudly.
Bill O’Reilly and Sarah Palin stood up and started shouting over each other. Bill O’Reilly said that while he likes Macy’s because it’s commercial, it’s not Christmas-y enough.
Sarah Palin said, “I love the commercialization of Christmas because it spreads the Christmas cheers, the most jolly holiday obviously on our calendar. It’s wonderful!”
Palin then told everyone to buy her book about “protecting the heart of Christmas,” which one reviewer said “is so bad that it seems entirely possible that she actually wrote it herself.”
A reporter for the American Family Association raised his hand and said, “That’s blasphemy, Mr. President! The commercialization of Christmas is a blessed sacrament of the Christmerican Constitution! On our site, we have a list of businesses that celebrate Christmas exceptionally, such as Walmart and Hobby Lobby, so the faithful know at which underpaying, profit-hording Christian corporation to spend their meager wages at this year.”
The President asked, “How can a corporation be Christian?”
“Oh we can, believe me!” squeaked a tiny voice. Everyone in the room looked around searching for the source of the voice. “Down here!”
A reporter lifted up a barely visible speck and held it up for everyone to see.
President Obama asked, “Uh, who or what, exactly, are you?”
“I’m a fetal corporate person! Duh! Several states are adding Amendments to their Constitutions, saying that a fetus is a person, thus making abortion and even contraception murder. The Supreme Court is soon going to hear argument from Hobby Lobby that since a corporation has a right to free speech in the form of money, it also has a right to express its religious preferences in the form of denying health insurance for reproductive care to its employees. I am the living embodiment of both.”
The fetal corporate person continued, squeaking, “Several libertarian billionaires will incorporate me in a little under 9 months, so even though I haven’t been ‘born’ yet, I already have the same civil rights as all of you, and since I’m a corporation, I have none of the laws regulating my behavior that a merely human person has. Pretty soon there will be thousands of us, and we’re going to start our own Christian religion that says that paying your employees is a grave sin. We’ll sue to overturn every labor law and every piece of the social safety net in the country for Christmas. Because that’s what Jesus would do!”
The conservative ‘journalists’ in the room all jumped up and down, clapping, and shouting, “Hooray! Hooray for Corporate Christmas Freedom!”
The Fox Newsdoll asked another pointed question, “Why the unilateral strike against Christmas, Mr. President?”
“Actually, we have been in close contact with our allies, and we are building an international coalition for the War on Christmas. The Pope is with us on this one,” the President said to gasps from the audience.
Saying it was time for a little “Pope and Change,” Obama then quoted the Pope, who blasted “the idolatry of money” and argued that “As long as the problems of the poor are not radically resolved by rejecting the absolute autonomy of markets and financial speculation and by attacking the structural causes of inequality, no solution will be found for the world’s problems or, for that matter, to any problems.”
The Fox Newsdoll said, “Pope Francis is the Catholic Church’s Obama – God help us.”
Palin said of the Pope, “he’s had some statements that to me sounded kind of liberal, has taken me aback, has kind of surprised me.”
Rush Limbaugh stood up, sloooowly, and said “This is just pure Marxism coming out of the mouth of the pope.”
Limbaugh then waddled out of the White House through the North Lawn and burst through the iron security fence like the Kool-Aid Man. There he addressed a group of Tea Party protesters, funded by various Koch Industries Super PACs. They were protesting Obama’s War on Christmas and, using a dog whistle, singing Christmas carols such as, “I’m dreaming, of a whiiiite President, just like the ones I used to know.”
Limbaugh took out his dog whistle, tuned it, and patiently whistled to the rabble of dittoheads, “Here’s the deal. The Reagan coalition used poor white Christians to vote for rich, white libertarians. We scared up their votes using phony culture war outrage so that we could get rich capitalists into office to shred the New Deal and suck all the wealth up to the top. Then we wanted government welfare for the richest and their largest corporations, paid for by the poor and middle class. It took 30 years, but we’ve finally done it, and we’re not about to turn back now. This Pope is a serious threat to the American right, because the Church naturally splits the uprights between America’s social conservatives and economic liberals. For decades, the Catholic Church has been focusing on social conservatism. If this Pope switches to focusing on economic liberalism, as Jesus did, and if this becomes a new norm for the Church, it could eventually siphon off our voters. Even a small percentage of Christian voters flipped from the baloney culture war to the very real class war could devastate the GOP. And if this Catholic ethos were to seep into American evangelical churches, the Republican Party would go the way of the Whig Party. That is why we are desperately smearing him.”
The Tea Partiers clutched crosses and guns to their chests and nodded solemnly as their patriotic Confederate flags flapped in the nippy December breeze.
Limbaugh continued, “So when liberals say that Jesus would not have refused to pass any jobs bills for years, would not have cut unemployment and cut food stamps for Christmas, this is what we need to tell them. When Jesus was born, no one would let Mary and Joseph stay with them. Because the Republican House has ‘done its work’ by being the least productive in history, millions of Americans have no job, nothing to eat, and nowhere to sleep, just like Jesus did on Christmas! Why, that is the very spirit of Christmas. It’s Christmas every day for millions of Americans!”
The Tea Partiers cheered, “Christmas every day! Riches for the rich! Poverty for the poor! Freedom for the corporate persons!”
Limbaugh continued, “That’s right. And when this Marxist Pope suggests that the meaning of Christmas is not a month-long advertising onslaught to cram consumer goods down the population’s throat; when he suggests the meaning of Christmas is to be tangibly generous to your fellow human beings, what do we say?”
“Crucify him! Crucify him! Commercialize it!”
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Photo Credit Google Images; Democratic Underground
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