How to Explain The Senate Vote on Background Checks to a 6-Year-Old
Yesterday the Senate obeyed the NRA and voted in favor of the Newtown Elementary School Massacre 46-54. This vote protects the freedom of the criminally insane to stockpile arsenals. It is only a matter of time before we will, once again, have to explain to 6-year-olds why their friends are Swiss cheese. The following is a primer on how to answer their frequently asked questions to ease their impressionable minds.
Why are my classmates all dead?
Because there was a man who was sick, not in his tummy, but in his head.
If he was sick, why wasn’t he in the hospital?
Because we cut a lot of the hospitals for those kinds of sick people.
Why did we do that?
Because it was an easy way to save money.
Why did we need to save money?
Remember when Mommy and Daddy were doing math homework that was due on April 15th?
People who own big companies don’t have to do that.
So, that means we have to save money. So that they don’t have to do that homework.
But why didn’t people check if he was sick before he got a big gun?
Well, most people wanted to.
How many people?
Isn’t that almost ALL of the people?
How come they didn’t get what they wanted then?
Because there are 100 people who we trust to make our decisions for us.
How do they decide?
Remember when you wanted to play on the Wii but Joey and Steve wanted to go to the park, so we went to the park?
That’s basically how they decide.
And what did they decide?
They decided that we shouldn’t check if someone is sick before they buy a big gun.
How many of them decided that?
46 of them. 54 of them said we should check.
Isn’t 54 more than 46?
So wouldn’t that be like if Joey and Steve couldn’t go to the park because I said so?
Yeah, that’s right.
How come the 46 of them got to decide what to do?
Because they need to have 60 of them to do anything.
Can they get 60 of them to agree?
Who decided they need 60?
The same people who are in the group of 46 who wanted sick people to be able to get a big gun.
So that would be like if I said that I get to decide that Joey and Steve have to play on the Wii with me unless they call Matt over and he agrees with them?
But Matt never comes over.
Why did they get to decide?
Because there used to be more of them.
But there’s less of them now?
Why don’t they change the rules?
They were going to. But they decided it was easier not to.
So 46 out of 100 people decided to support 10% of people who wanted to let sick-in-the-head people get a big gun?
That’s not fair. Why did they decide that?
Because the people who make the big guns gave them money to decide that way.
How much money?
Remember when Aunt Bea won the lottery and she moved out of the trailer park but then a couple years later she came and lived with us until she went back to her job at Walmart?
It’s about that much.
So my classmates are all dead so that a smaller group of people can make more money to decide for the bigger group of people?
Why is the country run this way?
Um… Do you want to watch Spongebob?
Do you want some Spaghetti-Os?
What do you want?
I WANT A GODDAMN REVOLUTION!!!
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